Heaven & Hell (by Love Amongst Ruin)

Watch the sun

Disappear

My shadow fades

Night in day

My mind is crazed

Feel the pain

Like the rain

I'm coming down

Crash and burn

Wait my turn

To hit the ground

Some things are made just for heaven

Some things you can count on for hell

Gone astray

Far away

I'm lost inside

Nothing slows

As time goes by

Come away

On this day

You've survived

Away from this

And your kind

From this I decline

Some things are made just for heaven

Some things you can count on for hell

The Perfect Drug (by Nine Inch Nails)

I got my head but my head is unraveling

Can't keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling

I got my heart but my heart's no good

You're the only one that's understood

I come along but I don't know where you're taking me

I shouldn't go but you're wrenching, dragging, shaking me

Turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky

The more I give to you the more I die

And I want you...

You are the perfect drug

The perfect drug

The perfect drug

You make me hard when i'm all soft inside

I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed

The arrow goes straight through my heart

--Without you everything just falls apart--

My blood just wants to say hello to you

My fear is warm to get inside of you

My soul is so afraid to realize

How very little bit is left of me

And I Want you

You are the perfect drug

The perfect drug

The perfect drug

Take me with you

Without you everything just falls apart

It's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

To cut/violence

Made my mind and realized I need to CUT some things off my life. Physical and emotional cut. I need to reset myself to a moment far ago and start to gain trust again.

Acting to awake my creativity -and violence-, getting back on track! Always meant to walk away the things that hurt to realize that those were the ones that made my routine stand out.

Fire and thunders in my mind, that's what I need... And bit by bit my fingers pour the things they were used to. Independent letters raining from me.

A yell of pleasure killing my throat, a defying look walking down the crowded streets and acting a fool for a laugh or two. I contradict myself and that's my richness. Songs that bounce in my soul moving, loud and dense, are the self-prescribed medicine for me by now.

Fire-light

I'll always light up a candle on my table to make sure my mind is set!

This charade of a smile won't work for long, inside there's a crack from head to toe. Unconditional I asked and that's not what is offered in this home. And my flaws are greater than my own taste. I have to remember the goal so I don't drown in so many lost causes. "I swallow words like a placebo".

The sounds I refused to hear are coming back to my mind. I think the process has begun and there is no way to stop it. My own frown became the mask I use, and it won't combine with the smile I pretend. Time to break it all and be born again... in freedom... in happiness...

I've got my candle in front of me while out there fireworks contradict the sky!

No witness

All these suicidal tears drop themselves off my face to the infinity. They know it's their fate, their destiny. And I envy them for so many reasons... At least they got me to be a part of their decision to be their road to salvation.

But in the other side of the looking glass, I am seated in this bed, dark and cold, alone, with no one to stare at my own tantrum. I decide to stay quiet, swallowing frustration, letting my own tears be happy with their choice of self immolation. I got no witness of this act of commiseration. And it's OK 'cause it's my choice. I rather hit myself in the head time and time again to find light out from my skull without eyes to judge me.

However, out there, there must be someone/something anguished to be here... Me, I'm just waiting for the crash --- the moment of impact.

I can hear my happy tears yell - goodbye, cruel world!

The process

1. HEAL

2. CLOSE

3. LEAVE

...

...

...

9. HAPPINNESS

Grope

How to greet this again? The need of finding the right word, the epiphany and change it all. The therapy I need, my own personal psychologist. The return of Saturn on its fullness. Here I am, asking what, when, where and how!

I collected all these little bugs in jars below my pillow, just pummeling one over another. Finally the tower went out of control and it was meant to fall apart. It is... And the next stage is reordering it all.

I can find myself, I do, find what I loved and lost! I can... I will... Another great cycle of the spiral. Here we go...