Circle/s

Life always turns, it always comes back. Cicles and spirals are the basis of growth. Can not run away from what I am, wether you see it or not is a matter of perception. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Yet it raises a new paradox: am I not what you define of beauty or are you not seeing the calls for help. I am not trapped in a past, I live my day with efforts to become better wondering what's next. Symbols have always been my thing, you knew it right from the start. But they change, spirals fade, ninjas dies, riots awake... it's the names that remain. I am this you read, I am this you see, I am waht you get -never enough-. Always failing to be the ideal me you caught in dreams and prayers. The real me is a disappointment to your reach. But I can't fight who I am. I am this, a self-injured beautiful human being abel to fly and take you (any you) to another dimension through many different ways I adore. Fly with me if you dare, but I have no safety net (neither do you).

So, division is what brings me back to the starting point. What goes around comes around. And maybe you are right about a thing or two... Time will tell. The Wolf turned away and slightly ran off... There is no love in fear, there is no fear in love. There is no risk in hate, There is no safe falling. "There is no escape in gravity". Words can beg no more, a broken soul can't take the beating, a scarred spirit will shatter no more.

Life goes... Will you ever grab it or must you witness it passing through. Sink deep in or stay in the shore. I keep falling. No parachute, no warranty, no remorse. Bless me and I can keep on. Kiss me and I can stay. Slay me and I will resurrect. Life comes... I defy the odds, I've always done. You know my passion and you forgot my madness. Judge me if you wish, yet you do not mold me. Strip me of the memories and you would have lost the richness of a resilient heart. Do as you wish, you kind of always knew how to do it, anyways. Bless you and you vanish.

Though I must state I asked for a peace treaty. Last chances always end up in goodbyes. Played my cards and you broke the rules. So I lose, or you win, or it's the cruelest draw in the world. Empty smiles will not rule the world, mine or yours. What lasts forever? Do you even know? Anyhow, this is what I yelled outloud, you confused the words with desperate cries for war. Mistook me...

NO COLORS

This year is set by the black sky.

No colors to define what is meant to be, no bubbles and no rainbows. All that's left tonight are the million stars to fade my anguish. And my new commandment is to start a new blank page like if the marks set in the previous page wouldnt leave the path in the next thousand pages. And all the words I said to you came back to hunt me like suicide arrows to rest in my chest. And there are no winners and no losers we both sank and drowned. Who is me now? A bunch of words! I am duality and failure, desperation and coldness, darkness and needs. And then summon the most inappropiate phrase meant to be said as the last resort: I'll be fine. Rain on your inside and rain in my face. Come and make unforgettable the unpredictable day. And twenty five years slip through unsolved misteries. And the mask is up again. Anincha... Static... A line... No more surprises or emotions or feelings... Took me to omit the rest. I've created a monster in my ways to become myself I achieved to damage your natural welfare. Another circle for this endless spiral... Colorless...

MISUNDERSTAND-ABLE

Am I that complicated? Am I such a hard thing to get? Do I ask too much from life? Why can't I relate? And all the million different concepts people have about me, does that affect me? Am I showing who I really am? I like to keep a lot of my own self private and reserved... But, besides that, seems I am a dual person. I am not making the world any better, not even worse. I don't seem to make a difference in the planet. I don't know... Something keeps me here... Needing something I know I miss, but at the same time so harsh to ban myself. I don't allow myself to give what I don't receive. Life taught me not to give too much, it hurts. Too many times I have fallen in the same abyss and seems always find pleasure while falling. Yes I did build a wall around me so mothing can touch me, and yes it seems safer inside this fortress. No blame and no fault, but no joy either and no warmness. And the best escape from this deadly dilemma is to drift away in the sounds of an eternal song... My life seems to be my tablature and I keep putting notes to everyday's moment... But know I am out of rythm, over the scale, out of the pentagram, fallen below the lowest C, echoing in the dark at the end of the verse, soloing dissonantly. But seems more like me. Who am I or who do you all want me to be? I am both, the finest cul-de-sac. I wait steady and silent... It will come, someday, the sooner the better, but it will arrive. Another seismic second to build a new control tower and see from above the microscopic problems. Rising overly... It'll have sense and feel again. A new power injected through my veins down to the core. Until the perfectible state is achieved I'll still be the same the 0/1 character. The needed and spoiled isolated human. A cell... Happy but not joyful... Lone and lonely... Watching it all row away... Safe though uncomplete... And you don't know how much I want to scream what's wrong and won't ever do it, it's predictable. Holding on to life just because... It hurts but I can handle it... You wouldn't even know... Don't try to see through me, you'll get tired on the process, it's somewhere unreachable and pleasant. Me, here... Without it, not knowing when it must come, but it will, it's unevitable... Me, here, the misunderstandable.

BEHIND

Wonder what's behind your eyes, sweet
Wishing I could see through your skin
To achieve a clear new vision complete
Conquering your most hidden dream.

Crossing to the other side of this life
I change positions just to see behind
Break walls down of flesh and mind
Forsaken by those who stare and lie.

If I could protect you from it all
Just grow inside to see if I can fit
Inside the gates in you I'll get in
Another single step and then I fall.

Looking back at me, I now see through
Nothing changes, nothing but desire
A will to light this dimming fire
What I lost and what can't find is you...

ESCRIBIR x ESCRIBIR

¿para qué escribir hoy, si el peligro de decir palabras que no deberían ser nombradas es latente? el desequilibrio de no saber cuál es mi norte y cuál mi sur no detiene mi caminar. si es la misma película en mi cerebro, ¿de qué sirve intentar adelantar capítulos? sin manos, sin pies, sin boca, sin pecho. solo mis oídos se mantienen atentos a lo que pueda venir después, la señal inequívoca de que esta historia no es la misma espiral. es cierto, no son mis ojos o mi piel o mis músculos lo que esperan, son mis oídos. ven, llega a mi volando entre rosas negras, entre globos y animales, entre lunares y palabras, entre velas y chocolates, entre café y lluvia. sedúceme con los sonidos melodiosos de un corazón rítmico. régalame miles de circulos y agujeros. toma mis dedos y guíame entre los árboles, ríe a todo pulmón, grita de alegría, salta a mi alrededor, déjate caer, vuela. llévame más allá de las nubes, fuera de las fronteras de esta limitante ciudad. enséñame a corresponder hechos con palabras. dime, aunque sea falso, que nunca te irías, dímelo con una sonrisa, con una mirada, con dos palabras. enceguéceme, no me dejes ver, camina delante mío, controla mis pasos, no me seques, no me calles, no me sueltes. sé. solo sé. haz. solo haz. que mis peligros, por ti, desaparecen. cumple los sueños escondidos de mi ser interno y yo obedezco. quiero ahogarme en ternura, en palabras que sí pueden volver en el viento. en colores brillantes quiero reposar, dormir hasta que aparezcas. en el mismo lugar, con la misma lluvia, con la misma ropa, mucho tiempo después, descubrir que sigo siendo yo, un ser con cicatrices y con deseos. y me callo por miedo. temo la pregunta en oscuridad, no saber responder por qué o para qué. no puedo controlar mi ilusión y pasión de no guardar secretos, o de guardarlos a la mitad. entiende tú lo que te digo a ti, atesora las palabras que sabes son para ti, lo demás deshéchalo, lo demás es adorno. ¿para qué escribir si siempre digo lo mismo? ¿para qué si mi mensaje sigue codificado? ¿para qué si tú no lees lo que escribo? ¿para qué comunicarme si a fin de cuentas eres tú quien determina el significado de cada oración? ¿para que escribir si todo es simple impresionismo? ¿para qué si tú desapareces cuando me acerco? ¿para qué si no existo? ¿para qué si todo es un sueño? ¿para qué soñar? ¿para qué? ¡para qué! ¡¡¡PARA QUÉ!!!

BROKEN TRAIN OF THOUGHTS

Nuevamente el sismo de sentirse frío por dentro, de no comprender lo que existe detrás de la sonrisa que uno espera llegue a romperte la rutina en dos segundos. Saber que tus palabras tienen un peso invisible, respirar otra vez y dejar pasar todo. Esperar por encontrar esa chispa en ojos ajenos y recordar que ya no existe, que ya se decidió acabar con la luz. Debo recordar el momento en que todo se convirtió en un pasillo sin final, debe haber un momento específico donde se decidió que nada sería igual. Con miedo a pensar que esta versión de mí es la definitiva y que lo demás fue omitido de mi genoma. Y esa inesperada, pero siempre puntual, sensación de haber perdido el resto de mi vida, de no haber hecho uso de la vida. Las oportunidades que uno lo forman y asi me moldeé a mi mismo. A partir de todo lo experimentado, a esa soledad injerta en mi estructura ósea, a este rancio olor a mí mismo,mis acciones reflejan todo. Lamentar la falta de lo imposible como amar un ladrillo... "Prefiero reír, porque después hay menos que limpiar". Decidiendo no decidir, facilitando la oportunidad de dejarse llevar. Hoja al viento, hoja en blanco, como sea... Solo esperar que con dos palabras alguien te estremezca y te abrigue con el invisible abrazo del afecto en silencio. Soledad comprada con indiferencia o consecuencias de heridas autoinflingidas.... Pero falta algo para que la sonrisa de medio lado demuestre felicidad... Algún día, un domingo de tarde, por sorpresa, bajo la lluvia, solo dos palabras sinceras... Y espero!

DESIRE IN BLACK

Submissive to the news dragging me
I’ve tried to look above the sea
I’m still right here, well, c’est la vie!
How does it feel to be killing me?

I knew this was coming as you came in
My desire accomplished since my infancy
Can you tell me now how is this you see?
Mutilated existence of a human being.

Is this what you’ve dreamt about?
Rip the old skin all the way around!
Drink my symptoms to the very bound
I know you feel so great now.

Go ahead, don’t mind about my pain
Keep digging ‘cause I won’t complain
My dysfunctional brain absorbs the blame
List this as just another migraine
Go ahead, come and rip me once again
Senseless and numbed, is this what I gain?
This is a brand new mutual game
It won’t be over till you find my grave.

Come closer, stab me twenty more times
What does it matter? It ain’t your prime
Just another of your filthy crimes
I know it won’t be the first of your tries.

I too used to consider you mine
This picture has been already in my mind
As your hits come closer to the spine
I feel the divorce between spirit and rind.

Is this what we’ve dreamt about?
Rip the old skin all the way around!
Drink our symptoms to the very bound
I know we feel so great now.

Go ahead, don’t mind about my pain
Keep digging ‘cause I won’t complain
My dysfunctional brain absorbs the blame
List this as just another migraine
Go ahead, come and rip me once again
Senseless and numbed, is this what I gain?
This is a brand new mutual game
It won’t be over till you find my grave.

Have you found now what you are looking for?
See hunger in your eyes as you dig some more

Go ahead, come and rip me once again
Senseless and numbed, is this what I gain?
This is a brand new mutual game
It won’t be over till you find my grave.

Hear this as my final exhalation
There is a pleasure in your profanation
Well, just feeding my new imagination
As consciousness gets ready for emigration
Blanking my flesh with love’s annihilation
This is the righteous explanation
To the termination filled in sedition
Quenching your thirst for own extermination
I’m your freaking best experimentation!

Is this what I’ve dreamt about?
Rip the old skin all the way around!
Drink your symptoms to the very bound
I know I feel so great now.

Go ahead, don’t mind about my pain
Keep digging ‘cause I won’t complain
My dysfunctional brain absorbs the blame
List this as just another migraine
Go ahead, come and rip me once again
Senseless and numbed, is this what I gain?
This is a brand new mutual game
It won’t be over till you find my grave.

Well, I feel nothing here,
Six feet under your own feet.

DELIRIUM TREMENS

Necesito simplemente un grito, una voz que se escuche en toda la ciudad. Dejar salir lo reprimido, cortar mi sonrisa para pasar la página. Necesito dar un mensaje a todos, necesito exteriorizar todo lo que llevo dentro. Decir de una vez por todas lo bueno y lo malo, dejarlo salir con fuerza o sutileza. Encontrar la forma de simplemente ser. Dejarme de disfraces, de procrastinar mis sueños, de no poder hacer real lo ideal. Gritarlo todo...

NO MORE SMILES
NO MORE NICE GUY
NO MORE FEELINGS
NO MORE REGRETS
NO MORE PAST
NO MORE LOOKING DOWN
NO MORE RUN AROUND
NO MORE HOPE
NO MORE LOST
NO MORE BITING
NO MORE SADNESS
NO MORE FUTILENESS
NO MORE!
NOT ANYMORE!

Just turn around and walk away, jump off the edge!

REMEMBERING NOVEMBER...

And once again there's the flood
Just when I thought I was finally dry
The reasons I have left in me
Are broken words and your goodbye
Maybe I'm too sure of what is good
Too certain of the things to come
But as everything else in my life
I seem to love the times I'm wrong
Left with nothing but regrets
The only way I can end up
Wasn't ready to go and fly
'cause my wings are still in your hands

And once again my fate is done
Everything spins and turns to red
It's hard to say I wanted this
Seems I have chosen to be afraid
I should bite my tongue for now
A million words were killed with me
Roll down the intentions to dream
This lapse of reason is what I'll be!
Wandering on in a place can't reach
But staring down to see what lays
Several damaged invisible scars
My body flees but my souls stays

Please don't save me
This time I'll go down all the way
Please don't save me
My heart is in a safe place
Please don't save me
I'll feel less pain after today
Please don't save me
I'll find your face when I awake

Originally written: November 3rd, 2007

START AGAIN!

Hold your breath and count to ten,
then fall apart, start again!

Empieza un año y es la misma rutina. Nunca entendí la trasendencia de cambiar de calendario y con eso los compromisos y los "este año voy a" que siempre son menores a los "este año no voy a"! La idea es intensidad... Creo que eso es lo que hace falta muchas veces en la vida... Esa fuerza (a rush of blood to the head) que te hace saltar del borde!

Pero por mi parte... sigo buscando perno, gasolina, insomnios,suspiros, flores, notas, silabas, miradas... Este año... Cortar las cuerdas! Todo distinto! Ya es hora de algo nuevo... Pero aun algo impide que crezca todo de nuevo...

No es voluntad pero el ancla sigue firme en el mismo lugar, sin dejar volar...

My pleasant torture, my forgotten princess, my inner firework, my trip to somewhere new, my dearest past, my desolated anchor, my lovely backstabber, my sweetest isolation from reality, my most beloved way to kill myself... Will you understand?

Yours truly...

The lost one...

FURTHER DOWN THE SPIRAL

Just can't help it... I know I can't stop! I walk further downwards...
shame on me, cause I know where it all ends...
But, in the end, will it ever worth it?
What do I like? What the hell do I deserve?
Asked that to myself before, and still have no answers.
sliding down till something stops me, the floor maybe?
No love, no trust, no care, no past, no path,
psycopath, that's the road to desperation,
alone with no more expectations

Cities gone from my mind, maps erased,
deleting again for the sake of... mine!
Todo tiende a resbalar cuando se pierde
pero la esperanza es lo ultimo que muere
de derrota en derrota no es mucho lo que se siente
de disfraz en disfraz, de silueta a silueta
mi sombra se agranda y anda suelta
buscando un cuerpo al que pertenecer
descubrien do el significado de merecer
cegueras temporales por conveniencia
dilatan el amortiguamiento de mi conciencia
sin siquiera querer apagar el recuerdo,
desconectar el cerebro, desaparecer mi cuerpo.
Cicatrices autoinflingidas por necedad,
o por desesperación y miedo a la soledad.
Pero, nunca te olvides de respirar,
no te canses de girar y girar.

LOOK AT ME NOW?
Is this what you felt you could recognize?
Is it me what you're starring at?
Crumbling flesh, tattered eyes...
Everything forgotten and pushed away
Left me in the train and shed no tears
and time went by, centuries around me
Statues of thoughts in the past
Yourself and myself, together in fantasies
Two hours from what I call real
And two million days from what could've been
Call my name! Can you remember that?
Two weeks is too long to be lived
and too short to change a life

Weak and lonely?
Yes, so what!?
Come again, come back, look at me
Be afraid one last time
Shiver with me, don't control
F*** your plans and wake up
No dreams can be lived without love
and no life can be dreamt without passion
No love can be lived with fear
No fear can be loved in life!

Forget me now, and turn yourself off in me
Get your world outta my head...
Hang my heart in your walls
Allow me a last glimpse at a smile
Bring me into your world and your roofs
Make me the next wallpaper in your room
Use my skin to clean your floors
Just let my fly in the cloud we owed
I don't care, drop yourself off
I won't die, not today...

Your dreams are my nightmares...

CAN YOU SEE ME NOW?
'cause I can't...
Blank mirrors in front of me
I am a ghost looking for what's not missing

CAN YOU SEE ME NOW?
Tell me how!

I will walk blindly to follow you
But following you is missing myself
Further down the spiral there's a price for me
Thought it was you...
Instead it is me... all alone...
Breathless.. .
White...
Static....
ABSUM!