Feeling blue today

Today I meant to wake up and set it all straight. Seems I can't. Seems like everything is out of my control. I used to smile, I used to care. And today, it's all like gone away... My condition, my situation, and what people would say just drag me down. Wish I had the freedom to be there, to feel it, to say it out loud, to be someone else, to erase my past, to taste the real you.

Heal the wounds? What for? I've done that so many times. It's not me, it's my situation -that overwhelming word that traps me, cages me and buries my intentions-. Today I am about to destroy it all, send it all away, call it quits.

Will your hand go beyond? Would you save me even if I cannot ask for help? Or should I drown below the depths of sorrow. Hold my breath for too long to see the light, down beneath the blue...

Words, words, words...

¿"More than words"?, it's simply at least what I ask!

One day we will, one day we will... One day is so far
Realize the changes I've taken and the challenges I've faced

Broken was I before you, before them, before my own
But I stand above the fear to shout the truths behind the scars

Words are my shelter, music is my passion, alone is the walk
And that old rusted four letters together are my way among all

And what I ask in return are the things that make me happy:
Peace of heart and stability of life, solve that and I'll be ready

one year

It's been a year since you first grabbed my thumb. And in this 365 days you have made me realize there's a new dimension in life. All the little things and all the giant things are different now. My life worths more than what I thought it would before you.

Thank you for this. Thank you for all. Thank God for the biggest proof that love goes beyond my own understanding.

On soccer...

Jugando este juego me perdí. La estrategia que puse en alineación, ataque y defensa pasó desapercibida, a pesar que era un secreto a voces mucho antes del partido. Solo me quedan las jugadas fuera de lugar. En los tiempos extra me saqué la roja y cabizbajo ante la mirada del arbitro caminé fuera de la cancha.

Desde la tribuna epítetos y un par de aplausos para volver a la solitaria banca en transición al camerino de la frialdad -y el abandono. Pero todas las cámaras me buscan para responder a las típicas preguntas. Hice lo que el profesor me dijo, y bueno, el resultado es el que cuenta, hicimos los goles pero no fue suficiente. Ya los comentaristas desde la comodidad de sus butacas tienen marcada la opinión, no fui el jugador del partido.

Ni siquiera salí con una lesión que justifique la derrota, para amortiguar la conciencia. Los hinchas abandonan el estadio de este encuentro, no sin antes aliviar los madrazos al viento con mi nombre implícito. Otros pocos, desde sus casas, me darán al menos la razón. Ante los medios una versión, el mismo libreto, a los cercanos la revelación, el otro lado (la camiseta debajo del uniforme esperando el momento de gloria).

Y me repito, bueno el resultado es el que cuenta, pero eso no implica perder la categoría. No, en este partido solo perdí la copa.

Partiendo este partido me perdí.

Keep digging!

Sigue cavando, sigue buscando una razón para mí. Debí ser más enfático con todas mis advertencias previas, para que tomes en cuenta las razones de mi insanidad. ¿Crees que fui yo el maestro? Porque mil lecciones aprendí también de ti y contigo. Analiza que estaba dentro de mí antes, nunca dije que yo era conveniente. Pero analizo mis fallas y mis defectos y tengo claro de donde nace todo eso. Pa la cabeza lo que es de la cabeza y que el resto se limite a cumplir su función.

Lo interesante es que ciertas cosas sobresalen y otras se ocultan, se suprimen ante los ojos escrutadores. Y las pistas que me dejas evidencian más huellas de un crimen sin cometer. No niegues que el anonimato tiene sus ventajas. Envidia...

¿Qué es lo que en verdad buscas? ¿A mí detrás de mis palabras? ¿A mí detrás de todas las máscaras digitales? ¿A dónde me sigues? El filo del abismo es peligroso.

Mi línea de tiempo es más complicada que una revisión de mi historial de escritos.

Scar collectors

We are all scar collectors in disguise. Always trying to be aware of danger, but that extreme awareness is another way to carve our skins and leave scars. The more we defend, the more we hurt ourselves.

If all I've lost through my path is all you can not feel from my words, then my walk has been in vain and I'm ashamed of the past. If, on the other hand, you can see clear through me, it means I have learned and my scars were useful.

Now, tell me what you see when you see into my eyes. I know sparks are hidden in my memory but a slight glimpse of the inner sun must come out from time to time.

Have your scars made you defensive? If it is so, then no matter my voice, my eyes, my posture, my intention or my motivation, you will only find an excuse to sit there behind the wall you built out of maximized scars.

Like it or not, we never stop needing a new and deeper scar inside.

Gone Away by COLD

Gone Away

Do you pray

In the night

Can you appreciate the wind

And I won't care

I won't fight

I need you close to sing

It's the same beginning

Gone away

It's the same old, same old song

Gone away

It's my whole life

In words

And I can't breathe

When you cry

But I'll be there to hold you tight

And I would kill

I would fight

To keep you close

I keep singing the same way

I won't live

If you died

If I can feel you in the wind

And this is me

It's my life

I'll need you close to sing

It's the same beginning

Gone away

It's the same old, same old song

Gone away

It's my whole life

In words

Gone away

It's the same old, same old song

Gone away

It's my whole life

And I can't say

And I don't know

How far

I'll go

And I can't say

And I don't know

How far

I'll go

Gone away

It's the same old, same old song

Gone away

It's my whole life

In words

Gone away

It's the same old, same old song

Gone away

It's my whole life

To my little warrior

Blooming outside

One feet on the edge

confused and empty

Searching light in all

Numbed by words!

Back on my place

Here I do belong

Kingdom of solace

Me and my own...

Dead people don't feel no pain.

Don't envy them...

'Cause they envy us.

FTF 11

En estas andamos... El nuevo miembro de mis (malas) crianzas. FTF 11!

1. Norma Jean - Deathbed Atheist: "Bury your hands in the sand, you will never use them on me again!" Me ayuda a enfocarme en el objetivo!

2. Underøath - In Division: Es el sofocamiento de esta canción lo que me llama la atención, un sentido de ahogo! "I really wish I could reset/rewind"

3. Slipknot - Snuff: "If you love me let me go / if you still care don't ever let me know"... Impressive! The whole lyric shakes my core

4. Marilyn Manson - Four Rusted Horses: "Everyone will come to my funeral to make sure that I stay dead"...

5. Nine Inch Nails - The Perfect Drug: (not so) New found addiction!

6. Love Amongst Ruins - Heaven & Hell: Just to let your mind swim on this one...

7. Deftones - Beauty School: If one person can't get the idea out of this, I'm pretty sure there will come someone else to call it its own.

8. Sal y Mileto - Kubrete La Nose: Esta canción fue un llamado de atención, se convirtió en mantra y hoy vuelve a la vida...

9. Stabbing Westward - Desperate Now:"...but it feels like something is missing, it feels like something inside has died..." Haven't I said that?

10. System Of A Down - Lonely Day: Father's day...

11. Vex Red - Untitled: "This time I mean it!"

12. Limp Bizkit - Walking Away: Well, we do sometimes need to walk away from things we care to have a better look at self!

13. Seether - Truth: Si te diera la verdad, te ayudaría a vivir? "I'm beaten down again!"

14. Skizoo - Grita El Corazón: La radiografía de una tormenta interna... "Abrazar el instante!"

15. Sevendust - This Life: Mi hermoso Matías, esta canción es tuya!

16. Nelly Furtado - Try: Esta canción me derrumbó hasta mis cimientos. "Then I see you standing there wanting more from me, and all I can do is try!"

17. Adele - Someone Like You: Imported from the old continent. Straight through me!! It's so cruel how a song can touch you, make you fly and then crash you down to rock bottom... This is one of those songs...

Para agregar a tu biblioteca... (12 is coming soon...)

Not Again (by Staind)

You feel like you're falling

You've taken the step

In front of you

Is further the truth

And you fall apart

In front of me again

Again

Denial isn't the way to forgiveness

You alway swore that I was wrong

Not again

No taste for the crow you feed me

Not again

It's not a matter if I care

Not again

What an intricate web your weaving

Again and again!

You try not to fall

As the clock fails to sleep

So here we are

Back where we began

Toe to toe I stand in front of you again

Again

Again

Denial isn't the way to forgiveness

You alway swore that I was wrong

Not again

No taste for the crow you feed me

Not again

It's not a matter if I care

Not again

What an intricate web your weaving

Again and again!

Not again

No taste for the crow you feed me

Not again

It's not a matter if I care

Not again

What an intricate web your weaving

Again!

Again!

FTF 10 (atrasado!!!!)

Con casi dos años de atraso (por mi ausencia virtual del blog) y solo con la mera intención de publicar el más reciente compilatorio, les presento FTF 10:

1. Anathema - A Natural Disaster: "No Matter what I say, no matter what I do, I can't change what happened".

2. Böa - Duvet: El soundtrack de Lain, animé japonés sobre la diferencia entre la realidad vivencial y la virtual (it happens...).

3. Porcupine Tree - Time Flies: De repente abrí los ojos y los años habían pasado...

4. Killer And The Star - End Of Summer: "Maybe it's my fault, maybe I'm to blame. Could this be the end of summer?" And yes, I am to blame for everything in the end...

5. Sinch - Cutting All Ties: "I don't know why I even try when my sheltered heart lives a lie". Recuerdo haberla descubierto caminando por Cuenca, pensando en alguien en la capital.

6. Depeche Mode - Rush: I still wish someday we can get a version of this song! "Went looking behind every door for you, and because of the things that I saw for you I spiritually grew"

7. Soda Stereo - Ella Usó Mi Cabeza Como Un Revolver: Pa que mayor explicación! Cuando sonó por primera vez fue impresionante, descubriendo un nuevo mundo.

8. Per Gessle - Hey, I Died And Went To Heaven: I do hear this... And remember the feather

9. Placebo - Ashtray Heart: Corazón de cenicero! Un corazón que duele es un corazón que funciona...

10. Habana Blues - Arenas de Soledad: ¿Cuánto aguanta un corazón sin el latido de creer? Gracias ColdBlue!

11. Alien Ant Farm - Never Meant: "Never meant to do you wrong... to cause you harm"

12. Marilyn Manson - Running To The Edge Of The World: "Sometimes hate is not enought to turn this all to ashes"

13. Of The I - Between Being And Ego: Just about the feeling of the song, from the stream to the rain.

14. Pain Of Salvation - Undertow:"Let me go... let me fly... let my run... let me break... let me bleed... let me drain! LET ME DIE! let me out...!

15. Seether - Careless Whisper: ...guilty feet have got no rythm...

16. Papa Roach - I Almost Told You That I Love You: Just anger on this! (Lost times behind)

17. Slipknot - Dead Memories: "Traded my emotions for a cotract to commit"

18. In Flames - Disconnected: "I feel like s*** but at least I feel something!"

Take it right here

P.D.: Favor contextualizar al tiempo en que fue desarrollado, sept. 2009