On soccer...

Jugando este juego me perdí. La estrategia que puse en alineación, ataque y defensa pasó desapercibida, a pesar que era un secreto a voces mucho antes del partido. Solo me quedan las jugadas fuera de lugar. En los tiempos extra me saqué la roja y cabizbajo ante la mirada del arbitro caminé fuera de la cancha.

Desde la tribuna epítetos y un par de aplausos para volver a la solitaria banca en transición al camerino de la frialdad -y el abandono. Pero todas las cámaras me buscan para responder a las típicas preguntas. Hice lo que el profesor me dijo, y bueno, el resultado es el que cuenta, hicimos los goles pero no fue suficiente. Ya los comentaristas desde la comodidad de sus butacas tienen marcada la opinión, no fui el jugador del partido.

Ni siquiera salí con una lesión que justifique la derrota, para amortiguar la conciencia. Los hinchas abandonan el estadio de este encuentro, no sin antes aliviar los madrazos al viento con mi nombre implícito. Otros pocos, desde sus casas, me darán al menos la razón. Ante los medios una versión, el mismo libreto, a los cercanos la revelación, el otro lado (la camiseta debajo del uniforme esperando el momento de gloria).

Y me repito, bueno el resultado es el que cuenta, pero eso no implica perder la categoría. No, en este partido solo perdí la copa.

Partiendo este partido me perdí.

Keep digging!

Sigue cavando, sigue buscando una razón para mí. Debí ser más enfático con todas mis advertencias previas, para que tomes en cuenta las razones de mi insanidad. ¿Crees que fui yo el maestro? Porque mil lecciones aprendí también de ti y contigo. Analiza que estaba dentro de mí antes, nunca dije que yo era conveniente. Pero analizo mis fallas y mis defectos y tengo claro de donde nace todo eso. Pa la cabeza lo que es de la cabeza y que el resto se limite a cumplir su función.

Lo interesante es que ciertas cosas sobresalen y otras se ocultan, se suprimen ante los ojos escrutadores. Y las pistas que me dejas evidencian más huellas de un crimen sin cometer. No niegues que el anonimato tiene sus ventajas. Envidia...

¿Qué es lo que en verdad buscas? ¿A mí detrás de mis palabras? ¿A mí detrás de todas las máscaras digitales? ¿A dónde me sigues? El filo del abismo es peligroso.

Mi línea de tiempo es más complicada que una revisión de mi historial de escritos.

Scar collectors

We are all scar collectors in disguise. Always trying to be aware of danger, but that extreme awareness is another way to carve our skins and leave scars. The more we defend, the more we hurt ourselves.

If all I've lost through my path is all you can not feel from my words, then my walk has been in vain and I'm ashamed of the past. If, on the other hand, you can see clear through me, it means I have learned and my scars were useful.

Now, tell me what you see when you see into my eyes. I know sparks are hidden in my memory but a slight glimpse of the inner sun must come out from time to time.

Have your scars made you defensive? If it is so, then no matter my voice, my eyes, my posture, my intention or my motivation, you will only find an excuse to sit there behind the wall you built out of maximized scars.

Like it or not, we never stop needing a new and deeper scar inside.

Gone Away by COLD

Gone Away

Do you pray

In the night

Can you appreciate the wind

And I won't care

I won't fight

I need you close to sing

It's the same beginning

Gone away

It's the same old, same old song

Gone away

It's my whole life

In words

And I can't breathe

When you cry

But I'll be there to hold you tight

And I would kill

I would fight

To keep you close

I keep singing the same way

I won't live

If you died

If I can feel you in the wind

And this is me

It's my life

I'll need you close to sing

It's the same beginning

Gone away

It's the same old, same old song

Gone away

It's my whole life

In words

Gone away

It's the same old, same old song

Gone away

It's my whole life

And I can't say

And I don't know

How far

I'll go

And I can't say

And I don't know

How far

I'll go

Gone away

It's the same old, same old song

Gone away

It's my whole life

In words

Gone away

It's the same old, same old song

Gone away

It's my whole life

To my little warrior

Blooming outside

One feet on the edge

confused and empty

Searching light in all

Numbed by words!

Back on my place

Here I do belong

Kingdom of solace

Me and my own...

Dead people don't feel no pain.

Don't envy them...

'Cause they envy us.

FTF 11

En estas andamos... El nuevo miembro de mis (malas) crianzas. FTF 11!

1. Norma Jean - Deathbed Atheist: "Bury your hands in the sand, you will never use them on me again!" Me ayuda a enfocarme en el objetivo!

2. Underøath - In Division: Es el sofocamiento de esta canción lo que me llama la atención, un sentido de ahogo! "I really wish I could reset/rewind"

3. Slipknot - Snuff: "If you love me let me go / if you still care don't ever let me know"... Impressive! The whole lyric shakes my core

4. Marilyn Manson - Four Rusted Horses: "Everyone will come to my funeral to make sure that I stay dead"...

5. Nine Inch Nails - The Perfect Drug: (not so) New found addiction!

6. Love Amongst Ruins - Heaven & Hell: Just to let your mind swim on this one...

7. Deftones - Beauty School: If one person can't get the idea out of this, I'm pretty sure there will come someone else to call it its own.

8. Sal y Mileto - Kubrete La Nose: Esta canción fue un llamado de atención, se convirtió en mantra y hoy vuelve a la vida...

9. Stabbing Westward - Desperate Now:"...but it feels like something is missing, it feels like something inside has died..." Haven't I said that?

10. System Of A Down - Lonely Day: Father's day...

11. Vex Red - Untitled: "This time I mean it!"

12. Limp Bizkit - Walking Away: Well, we do sometimes need to walk away from things we care to have a better look at self!

13. Seether - Truth: Si te diera la verdad, te ayudaría a vivir? "I'm beaten down again!"

14. Skizoo - Grita El Corazón: La radiografía de una tormenta interna... "Abrazar el instante!"

15. Sevendust - This Life: Mi hermoso Matías, esta canción es tuya!

16. Nelly Furtado - Try: Esta canción me derrumbó hasta mis cimientos. "Then I see you standing there wanting more from me, and all I can do is try!"

17. Adele - Someone Like You: Imported from the old continent. Straight through me!! It's so cruel how a song can touch you, make you fly and then crash you down to rock bottom... This is one of those songs...

Para agregar a tu biblioteca... (12 is coming soon...)

Not Again (by Staind)

You feel like you're falling

You've taken the step

In front of you

Is further the truth

And you fall apart

In front of me again

Again

Denial isn't the way to forgiveness

You alway swore that I was wrong

Not again

No taste for the crow you feed me

Not again

It's not a matter if I care

Not again

What an intricate web your weaving

Again and again!

You try not to fall

As the clock fails to sleep

So here we are

Back where we began

Toe to toe I stand in front of you again

Again

Again

Denial isn't the way to forgiveness

You alway swore that I was wrong

Not again

No taste for the crow you feed me

Not again

It's not a matter if I care

Not again

What an intricate web your weaving

Again and again!

Not again

No taste for the crow you feed me

Not again

It's not a matter if I care

Not again

What an intricate web your weaving

Again!

Again!

FTF 10 (atrasado!!!!)

Con casi dos años de atraso (por mi ausencia virtual del blog) y solo con la mera intención de publicar el más reciente compilatorio, les presento FTF 10:

1. Anathema - A Natural Disaster: "No Matter what I say, no matter what I do, I can't change what happened".

2. Böa - Duvet: El soundtrack de Lain, animé japonés sobre la diferencia entre la realidad vivencial y la virtual (it happens...).

3. Porcupine Tree - Time Flies: De repente abrí los ojos y los años habían pasado...

4. Killer And The Star - End Of Summer: "Maybe it's my fault, maybe I'm to blame. Could this be the end of summer?" And yes, I am to blame for everything in the end...

5. Sinch - Cutting All Ties: "I don't know why I even try when my sheltered heart lives a lie". Recuerdo haberla descubierto caminando por Cuenca, pensando en alguien en la capital.

6. Depeche Mode - Rush: I still wish someday we can get a version of this song! "Went looking behind every door for you, and because of the things that I saw for you I spiritually grew"

7. Soda Stereo - Ella Usó Mi Cabeza Como Un Revolver: Pa que mayor explicación! Cuando sonó por primera vez fue impresionante, descubriendo un nuevo mundo.

8. Per Gessle - Hey, I Died And Went To Heaven: I do hear this... And remember the feather

9. Placebo - Ashtray Heart: Corazón de cenicero! Un corazón que duele es un corazón que funciona...

10. Habana Blues - Arenas de Soledad: ¿Cuánto aguanta un corazón sin el latido de creer? Gracias ColdBlue!

11. Alien Ant Farm - Never Meant: "Never meant to do you wrong... to cause you harm"

12. Marilyn Manson - Running To The Edge Of The World: "Sometimes hate is not enought to turn this all to ashes"

13. Of The I - Between Being And Ego: Just about the feeling of the song, from the stream to the rain.

14. Pain Of Salvation - Undertow:"Let me go... let me fly... let my run... let me break... let me bleed... let me drain! LET ME DIE! let me out...!

15. Seether - Careless Whisper: ...guilty feet have got no rythm...

16. Papa Roach - I Almost Told You That I Love You: Just anger on this! (Lost times behind)

17. Slipknot - Dead Memories: "Traded my emotions for a cotract to commit"

18. In Flames - Disconnected: "I feel like s*** but at least I feel something!"

Take it right here

P.D.: Favor contextualizar al tiempo en que fue desarrollado, sept. 2009

Heaven & Hell (by Love Amongst Ruin)

Watch the sun

Disappear

My shadow fades

Night in day

My mind is crazed

Feel the pain

Like the rain

I'm coming down

Crash and burn

Wait my turn

To hit the ground

Some things are made just for heaven

Some things you can count on for hell

Gone astray

Far away

I'm lost inside

Nothing slows

As time goes by

Come away

On this day

You've survived

Away from this

And your kind

From this I decline

Some things are made just for heaven

Some things you can count on for hell

The Perfect Drug (by Nine Inch Nails)

I got my head but my head is unraveling

Can't keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling

I got my heart but my heart's no good

You're the only one that's understood

I come along but I don't know where you're taking me

I shouldn't go but you're wrenching, dragging, shaking me

Turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky

The more I give to you the more I die

And I want you...

You are the perfect drug

The perfect drug

The perfect drug

You make me hard when i'm all soft inside

I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed

The arrow goes straight through my heart

--Without you everything just falls apart--

My blood just wants to say hello to you

My fear is warm to get inside of you

My soul is so afraid to realize

How very little bit is left of me

And I Want you

You are the perfect drug

The perfect drug

The perfect drug

Take me with you

Without you everything just falls apart

It's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

To cut/violence

Made my mind and realized I need to CUT some things off my life. Physical and emotional cut. I need to reset myself to a moment far ago and start to gain trust again.

Acting to awake my creativity -and violence-, getting back on track! Always meant to walk away the things that hurt to realize that those were the ones that made my routine stand out.

Fire and thunders in my mind, that's what I need... And bit by bit my fingers pour the things they were used to. Independent letters raining from me.

A yell of pleasure killing my throat, a defying look walking down the crowded streets and acting a fool for a laugh or two. I contradict myself and that's my richness. Songs that bounce in my soul moving, loud and dense, are the self-prescribed medicine for me by now.

Fire-light

I'll always light up a candle on my table to make sure my mind is set!

This charade of a smile won't work for long, inside there's a crack from head to toe. Unconditional I asked and that's not what is offered in this home. And my flaws are greater than my own taste. I have to remember the goal so I don't drown in so many lost causes. "I swallow words like a placebo".

The sounds I refused to hear are coming back to my mind. I think the process has begun and there is no way to stop it. My own frown became the mask I use, and it won't combine with the smile I pretend. Time to break it all and be born again... in freedom... in happiness...

I've got my candle in front of me while out there fireworks contradict the sky!

No witness

All these suicidal tears drop themselves off my face to the infinity. They know it's their fate, their destiny. And I envy them for so many reasons... At least they got me to be a part of their decision to be their road to salvation.

But in the other side of the looking glass, I am seated in this bed, dark and cold, alone, with no one to stare at my own tantrum. I decide to stay quiet, swallowing frustration, letting my own tears be happy with their choice of self immolation. I got no witness of this act of commiseration. And it's OK 'cause it's my choice. I rather hit myself in the head time and time again to find light out from my skull without eyes to judge me.

However, out there, there must be someone/something anguished to be here... Me, I'm just waiting for the crash --- the moment of impact.

I can hear my happy tears yell - goodbye, cruel world!

The process

1. HEAL

2. CLOSE

3. LEAVE

...

...

...

9. HAPPINNESS

Grope

How to greet this again? The need of finding the right word, the epiphany and change it all. The therapy I need, my own personal psychologist. The return of Saturn on its fullness. Here I am, asking what, when, where and how!

I collected all these little bugs in jars below my pillow, just pummeling one over another. Finally the tower went out of control and it was meant to fall apart. It is... And the next stage is reordering it all.

I can find myself, I do, find what I loved and lost! I can... I will... Another great cycle of the spiral. Here we go...

Nanas de la Cebolla (por Miguel Hernández)

La cebolla es escarcha
cerrada y pobre.
Escarcha de tus días
y de mis noches.
Hambre y cebolla,
hielo negro y escarcha
grande y redonda.
.
En la cuna del hambre
mi niño estaba.
Con sangre de cebolla
se amamantaba.
Pero tu sangre,
escarchada de azúcar,
cebolla y hambre.
.
Una mujer morena
resuelta en luna
se derrama hilo a hilo
sobre la cuna.
Ríete, niño,
que te traigo la luna
cuando es preciso.
.
Alondra de mi casa,
ríete mucho.
Es tu risa en tus ojos
la luz del mundo.
Ríete tanto
que mi alma al oírte
bata el espacio.
.
Tu risa me hace libre,
me pone alas.
Soledades me quita,
cárcel me arranca.
Boca que vuela,
corazón que en tus labios
relampaguea.
.
Es tu risa la espada
más victoriosa,
vencedor de las flores
y las alondras
Rival del sol.
Porvenir de mis huesos
y de mi amor.
.
La carne aleteante,
súbito el párpado,
el vivir como nunca
coloreado.
¡Cuánto jilguero
se remonta, aletea,
desde tu cuerpo!
.
Desperté de ser niño:
nunca despiertes.
Triste llevo la boca:
ríete siempre.
Siempre en la cuna,
defendiendo la risa
pluma por pluma.
.
Ser de vuelo tan alto,
tan extendido,
que tu carne es el cielo
recién nacido.
¡Si yo pudiera
remontarme al origen
de tu carrera!
.
Al octavo mes ríes
con cinco azahares.
Con cinco diminutas
ferocidades.
Con cinco dientes
como cinco jazmines
adolescentes.
.
Frontera de los besos
serán mañana,
cuando en la dentadura
sientas un arma.
Sientas un fuego
correr dientes abajo
buscando el centro.
.
Vuela niño en la doble
luna del pecho:
él, triste de cebolla,
tú, satisfecho.
No te derrumbes.
No sepas lo que pasa ni
lo que ocurre.